Headlines you might like to see …

California declared legally “Wacko”
State constitution amended; future governors to be chosen by lottery

Telemarketer kingpin sentenced: Must publish home phone number

Spam blocking now 99% effective
New technology enhances corporate bottom lines, family time

Bill Clinton finally explains meaning of “is”

CDC: AIDS cure found
Surgeon General: Discovery’s importance rivals recent cancer cure

Dow inches back over 20,000
Analysts smell recovery

Wall Street ethics institute launched
CEOs’ participation as instructors seen as vital to success

Medicare surplus augurs well for current, future retirees

OJ: “I did it”

Postmaster General: Postage rates going down again

National Enquirer admits: “We trained Jayson Blair”

FDA: Chocolate aids weight loss, improves health
(Submitted by my wife.)

FDA: Sex aids weight loss, improves health
(The real truth.)

Hatfields, McCoys bury hatchet

CBS: Survivor 59 – Cleveland to be last in series

Missing 18½-minute Nixon tape gap recovered

Deep Throat revealed: Martha Mitchell

Farrakhan praises whites, Jews

Klan renounces racism, pledges community service

Bin Laden sees light, turns self in
Tells al-Qaida to disband

Arafat, Sharon kin to wed

Middle East peace breaks out
Bitter rivals “beat their swords into plowshares … spears into pruning hooks”

W.Va. oil gusher portends bright future for state, nation
OPEC invites state to join

Congress: All income taxes now voluntary
IRS downsizing, lays off bulk of staff

Elle Woods elected 47th U.S. President
Bruiser becomes First Pooch

Fiesta Bowl ref: “I blew the call”
Hurricanes awarded co-national championship

Howard Stern gets religion
“No more shock; God’s my rock,” says media star

Cardinal declares church free of pedophile priests

Ex Enron chief named WWF commissioner
Vows to clean up pro wrestling

Carter, G.W. Bush learn to pronounce “nuclear”

North Korea, Iran on nukes: “We were only kidding”

Terror alert level: Green, low