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Real Answers™
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Copyright: © 2008 Gary Hardaway
720 words

CLUELESS EXPERTS SABOTAGE STRUGGLING PARENTS

By: Gary Hardaway

As a relic from the Bill Cosby era, I'm often astounded these days by the clueless mutterings of "experts" telling parents days how to relate to their teenage kids. Pity the parents who trust these blind guides. And pity the teenagers who will wake up someday and realize that their parents were about as effective as Homer Simpson.

Case in point: In an article headlined "Parents need patience with moody teens," we are told that a kid who constantly "hides out" in his room is probably "becoming more independent." Independent??? Independent is when your teen comes home all excited and announces "Guess what? I got a part-time job after school at the (fill in the blank) and now I can pay the premiums for my part of the auto insurance!" Independent is not holing up in one's room and coming out occasionally  to forage through the refrigerator.

The article suggests that parents abdicate their role. Well, actually that's my jaundiced translation of "focus on non-parental activities." You see, when we parents feel we're losing connection with our offspring, that's our problem. Or, as the writer explains, "Feeling your teen distancing himself from you may tap your deepest insecurities." These "non-parental activities" will "reinforce your own self-esteem during this bittersweet time." Quick, please pass the barf bag.

I'm not against kids having time and space to be by themselves. We all need some place of refuge from the busyness and muddle of the world. But no "moody" kid has the right to resign from the family and ignore the human beings who happen to be his or her parents. No sir. Belonging to one's family requires courtesy, respect, participation in family activities, being responsible for certain chores, and engaging in plain, old ordinary conversation.

Meanwhile our insecure parent, adrift and sinking in self-esteem, receives further instructions on how to navigate these perilous waters. "When a kid can't stand the sound of your voice and would rather die than be seen in public with you . . ." I'm going to pause there for a second. When this happens you have a brat on your hands. Your child's personality deterioration may have been partially caused by you allowing him or her to hole up in his room and treat you like an alien from another planet. Now your kid needs some heavy-duty intervention. Otherwise, you can expect many years of woes and anguish for yourself and your undisciplined son or daughter.

But the bewildered parent, bereft of common sense, hears this: "Just go along with it." Do what it takes to "avoid unspeakable embarrassment." Whose unspeakable embarrassment? Your child's, of course. They will feel so humiliated if one of their peers spots them in public with the likes of you. So lighten up. After all, "It feels personal but it's not. Instead it's a reflection of your teen's shifting loyalty from you to his peers." Oh great. Somewhere out there is a whole brat-pack, inculcating contempt and enforcing disrespect for parents. Be sure to let them mold your teen's character.

My wife and I raised two sons and a daughter, all of whom are pretty admirable adults. At no time did we tolerate any of the behavior described above. And very seldom did we ever observe such behavior. We dealt with the occasional problem with firm authority, sometimes combined with affectionate counsel. Our children seem to believe we did all right. We loved them enough not to let them get away with self-poisoning attitudes.

As a Christian family we were involved in church, Sunday school, and youth groups all through our children's early and adolescent years. They internalized the Scriptures that say "Honor your father and mother," and "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this right." They revered Jesus, who at age 12, showed strong signs of independent thinking but without hostility or resentment toward his parents (see Luke 2). As I consider this tragic Family Circle piece, it occurs to me that the writer must have grown up in a home with little or no religious influence. Thus requiring a teenager to honor parents becomes repressive and embarrassing. Accepting their contempt indicates maturity and healthy self-esteem. Abdicating authority allows one to say "I'm OK, my kid's OK," as the family speeds toward a train wreck.

Gary Hardaway is executive director of Summit School of Ministry in Northwest Washington. He holds a Ph. D in foundations of education and is a member of the National Association of Scholars.  He has taught in universities in the USA, Lithuania and Canada. He holds a Ph. D. in foundations of education. "Real Answers™" furnished courtesy of The Amy Foundation Internet Syndicate. To contact the author or The Amy Foundation, write or E-mail to: P. O. Box 16091, Lansing, MI 48901-6091; amyfoundtn@aol.com

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